I understand there has been some disappointment regarding the quality of our products ever since that crazy rock star sunglasses guy Tomonobu Itagaki -you know, the one who knew how to actually make good video games- decided to up and leave us after Tecmo stopped paying him because who needs talent? But we’ve been hanging in there, even while gaming tournaments are banning our DLC because they don’t think a buxom woman clad in only a single Christmas ribbon sends the right message about acceptable professional fighting attire. Well, we say that if Ronda Rousey could pull that look off, she’d totally rock it.
Anyways, to celebrate the loss of our mastermind way back in ’08, we decided to make the first Metroid game that people hated just to prove that we could. I mean, twenty five years is a long franchise win streak. They even made a digital pinball version and people still liked it. Nobody likes digital pinball! So we consider it a point of pride that gaming sites used phrases like “oh god I’m going to snap this disc in half” and “the future’s dumbest soap opera” in their official reviews. And that’s not even considering that we took a character known as a strong, badass female bounty hunter in an iconic powersuit, put her in skin-tight outfits, and then had her act like a spoiled teenager.
But I mean, come on, guys. Did you forget we took our premiere fighting franchise, got rid of the characters that didn’t have boobs, and turned it into a shallow oggle-fest under the pretension of making a barely serviceable collection of beach-related minigames? Oh, and making Legend of Zelda into another goddamn Dynasty Warriors game? Our idea. It’s time you made friends with the notion that you will never see another good Ninja Gaiden game too. This is us now.
But what we are here to discuss today is our latest post-Itagaki strategy to avoid contributing anything of value to gaming, Dead or Alive 5. We thought to ourselves “remember how awesome DOA4 was? How about we do that, but make it not work and spend all of our time and energy on awful DLC instead?” And you know what? That’s what we did. The game crashed on an almost hourly basis and it was almost impossible to find an online match, but goddamn it, what other dev allows you to buy sexy Santa, kitty, bunny, schoolgirl, cheerleader, and maid outfits for their female fighters in addition to countless swimsuit sets and furry bras and panties? Whether the game works or not is beside the point, we’ve got a lock on fetish wear. Eat it, Street Fighter!
And think about it: if the game worked well enough for you to get online and play against other people, they’d know what a miserable tool you were to pay real money for stupid-looking outfits for your virtual waifus, so really we were doing you a favor. You’re welcome, whiners. We’re blazing trails here and all we hear is “we want to play the actual gaaaaame! WAAAAAHHHH!!!!!” That’s what you sound like.
So fine, you spent too much money on a game that constantly crashes in spite of coming out eights years later than its predecessor -which had nearly identical gameplay and graphics and worked damn near perfectly- and were met with dozens of DLC for bizarre and creepy outfits instead of a playable game. Fine. We’ve got just what you need. Just buy the Ultimate edition! Re-releases always fix that sort of thing, right? It’s a given.
PSYCH! Dead or Alive 5 Ultimate still froze up like, all the time, but check it out: BAM! Sexy nurses, baby! And stewardesses too! Did anybody say “shirtless overalls”? No, but we did it anyways. I know, I know, “can’t play the game….crashes….glitches, blah, blah, blah.” You’re sooooo predictable, gamers. Learn a new song.
How about this: you buy the game one more time: Dead or Alive 5: Last Round. We’re getting tired of people focusing on this stupid “broken game” thing (“broken record” is more like it. Sheesh) so we decided to be the bigger people and end this three years of insanely-priced DLC-peddling for a busted game once and again and for all. Okay, so maybe we screwed you on the last gen. That’s on us. But we were doing it up Team Ninja style for the new console generation. Putting the best foot forward. Past is past. Third time’s a charm. We may have boned you, bur you knew we weren’t going to XBONE you. We only asked one thing of you…
Pre-order for new costumes! And check it out: a season pass for a mere $92.99 for the rest of the costumes to come. That’s a hell of a deal. Who knows what awesome ideas we’ll come up with? Dominatrixes? Sexy platypuses? Bikini clowns? Maybe we’ll finally cut to the chase and just have them all be naked. Download the season pass and find out in future months. The game itself? Yeah, doesn’t work. Still crashes every time you attempt to do stuff and won’t connect to servers a lot of the time. Oh, and if you try to punch somebody, it might wipe your save data. Business as usual. No big.
So now that we’ve ran this whole Dead or Alive fighting game thing into the ground and probably alienated every last remaining fan of the franchise with three editions over three years of an unplayable mess with only a wide variety of premium fetish outfits to recommend any of them, what’s next for us? Maybe we’ll make like fellow Tecmo-ites Koei and just do multiple Warriors games every year. How about DOA Warriors? Oooooh, I like that one. Think of the costume possibilities!
Seriously, though, we’ve taken over this Ni-oh thing Koei was working on since 2004, and it should be pretty amazing. Long development cycles always make for the best games, after all. I still say Duke Nukem Forever is an unappreciated masterpiece, in spite of its pitiful lack of costume DLC. We game developers make it a habit to play the poop-throwing section whenever we’re feeling uninspired about what to do with our projects. It reminds us that you people will buy any old shit as long as we keep chucking it at you.
And that, my dear disgruntled gamers, is why we will keep on keeping on, even without our fearless leader or anyone who knows what the hell they’re doing besides designing the worst DLC ever. I can’t wait to see your Youtube reaction rants when Dead or Alive Xtreme 3: Bikini Boogaloo hits the shelves.
Love and Kisses,