Diary of a Disgruntled Gamer: I Am (Not) Legend

September 9, 2014:

Dear Diary,

I bought that stupid lame piece of crap Destiny last night. I waited in line since 6:00 AM yesterday even though I could have just come in at 6:00 PM to get my number and come back for the midnight release because that shit is for noobs. REAL gamers camp out so that the entire day’s worth of foot traffic in the shopping center where their local Gamestop is located can laugh and shoot confused glances at us in our unwashed glory and be jealous of our lawn chairs. Social disdain is my fuel. Obsession is my mistress. Or it would be if I had a wife. Or a girlfriend.

Right off the bat, I knew I was going to hate this game. But people on the internets were talking about it and how much it was going to suck and I didn’t want to be the only one complaining about it second-hand so I had to have it. One does not simply buy a game they are going to enjoy when countless strangers are discussing something else online. Anyways, I fired up the game with a heavy-hearted sigh, downloaded all the downloadables, and was rewarded with the first of many blatant insults. “Press X to Play”. That’s what was on the title screen.

If I didn’t want to play the game, I wouldn’t have put the disc in and started it up. What is this bullshit, Bungie? I played every single Halo game and hated them all (except pistols-only split-screen two player versus mode on Blood Gulch in Combat Evolved, which was amazeballs) so I think I know what makes a great game. And this “Press X” shit is just another unnecessary hoop for gamers to jump through. This was a poorly designed game right from the get-go. And don’t even get me started on having to select the location you want to go to in order to go there.

Really, Bungie? A cursor? Jeez, this is RIDICULOUS!

 

September 12, 2014:

What the actual fuck, Diary?

In spite of having established from the very first screen that Destiny is the worst game of all time I spent over 30 consecutive hours playing it following my fateful encounter with Bungie’s little trained seal act regarding requiring its PAYING CUSTOMERS to “Press X” in order to play it. Fine, Bungie; we’ll do it your way. ART! ART! ART! [claps flippers together] Ten hours later, I’d already beaten the story mode. In a multiplayer shooter. Ten hours. Unbelievable. And I wasn’t even speed-running.

Apparently the gamer is expected to enjoy the experience of playing the video game so much that they will want to play it more, but any moron knows that’s not how this works. You rush through the game as quickly as possible just to see how good the graphics are in the cutscenes, stopping after the first hour or so to post a negative Metacritic review, and then you take to the net to compete with other gamers and see who can hate the game the hardest. Replayability is for casuals.

Still it was eating a hole in my brain that there were skills left unmaxed so I pressed on. How could I possibly face a stranger online knowing that his character was possibly a higher level than mine? It’s like a Destiny penis, and mine needs to be the biggest. But while grudgingly engaging in various in-game activities I noticed something really disturbing; there are girls in my virtual domain. Who let them in?

 

September 12, 2014:

Diary, this is getting out of hand.

I keep seeing these avatars that appear to be slighter of frame underneath their space armor and possibly even have boobs. Not REAL boobs like the mostly-exposed DDD’s that all girls in video games are supposed to have, but like…..normal size ones under clothing. At first I thought it was just gay dudes pretending to be girls and white knights trying to get laid, or at least bros who just like to look at girl butts when they dance, but some of them had, like, real girl names in their gamertags. I’m scared.

I mean, I always knew feminists were trying to take over my video games, but to actually see them PLAYING video games? I don’t know how to react to how far out of hand this thing has gotten. I tried messaging them to get back in the kitchen, and when that didn’t work, I propositioned them sexually with my trademark smoothness, but they just ignored me! I thought it might be because they might want the D too much to handle my swag, but what if they just don’t give a fuck what I have to say? Nah, why entertain such an ignorant thought? Everyone knows women are all super-sensitive and shit. Just like we know they don’t play real video games. Wait a minute….

I’ll bet she’s just doing it to impress her boyfriend.

 

September 13, 2014:  

The revolution is coming, Diary,

I see the rest of the internet has caught on. Destiny is the cash grab of the century. They expect people to pay $60 for a game with a story of merely comparable length to other shining examples of the genre plus a leveling class system and challenges that invite replayability along with the kind of multiplayer that made Bungie famous in the first place? As if just having fun or the game being good was the point. Oh, and they’re planning these so-called “expansions”. So basically, we all just paid for an incomplete game. Gee thanks, Bungie; way to railroad the media into forcing honest gamers to buy your half-finished product.

 

September 14, 2014

Some tryhard was defending that piece of shit online, saying he was “having fun” playing it. He just doesn’t get it. He thinks that the spaceship interface and loading screens serve to replace the usual “watch a bar fill while condescendingly obvious gameplay tips cycle onscreen” clichés with immersive traveling sequences that make the overall experience appear more seamless. Look, when I want immersion, I’m talking about killable children. That’s why Elder Scrolls games are the worst experiences ever. No child killing, no immersion. Do you see any children at all in Destiny, much less killable ones? Game. Set. Match.

And anyways, these losers who play shit games because they “enjoy” them are missing the point completely. I watched all the trailers and all the commercials and read all of the major gaming site news and they promised me the Moon. Sure, the Moon and a few more planets are actually playable, but these companies always try to put their product in a good light. It’s almost as though they’re getting paid…

Notice the dust physics which are NOT PRESENT IN THE GAME!

 

September 16, 2014:

Holy shit, Diary,

I’ve been looking around the net reading about conspiracies in the game industry and this thing is bigger than any of us knew. I just found out that Bungie is being financed by bigger companies like Activision and Sony who PAY other companies to create advertisements in order make their game look good. SO THAT WE’LL BUY THEM! And they just pocket the profits. I know, right?! I’m thinking of calling it “Destinygate”.

I mean, think about it. The tagline is “Become Legend” but I don’t feel legendary. I’ve been playing this game for an entire week and I’m all max leveled with all legendary gear. I saved the universe or whatever three times over and I went outside today for the first time since the day before release day to ask random people if they’d heard of me and not one of them said they had. That is blatant false advertising. Kurt Cobain is a legend and everybody has heard of him, but I don’t even think it’s possible to shoot yourself in Destiny. Just one more way this game is bullshit.

When I called my mom to tell her to come do my laundry, I explained the problem and she told me I was a legend to her, but I think she may be patronizing me. She’s also told me point blank that I was the handsomest boy in my entire high school but none of the girls ever want to talk to me about how much better they have it than me, having boobs and being able to be victims and get sympathy and all. Why would my mom tell me I’m handsome and a legend when girls don’t like me and nobody knows who I am irl? And she hasn’t even seen all of the other boys at my school. She might be part of it. I’m calling it “Momgate”.

September 17, 2014

It’s happening, Diary,

Apparently this whole thing is about industry corruption. These companies are just making games and hyping them up so that people will buy them just to make money for themselves. It was like that the whole time and nobody suspected a thing! I always thought money was just a thing that my mom gave me to buy video games and go to the movies and Taco Bell with, but I guess it’s at the core of this whole “business” thing.

And to make it worse, these people in the media are also paid to tell us things about games and some of those people are having sex with other people. And some of those people are THE VERY SAME PEOPLE who make video games. It’s like they don’t even care about us just because we don’t have sex with them. So these feminists who are taking over video games are making games and having sex with the media people who are hyping up these games that are being sold to us for money. It’s all connected. I fucking knew it. I guess some chick named Zoe Quinn is the reason Destiny sucks balls hardcore.

These cats are actually the founders of Bungie. BUSTED!

 

September 20, 2014

I’ve learned my lesson, Diary,

Through this whole ordeal I’ve learned about this thing called “hype” and how feminists are controlling the industry with their vaginas in order to make our world more inhabitable for them and how it’s RUINING GAMING FOREVER. Female avatars! Just thinking about all of the extra animations those poor developers had to do just to please these social justice warriors makes my head ache. Or that could be the withdrawals from going off my medication because my prescription ran out just before release day and I’ve been too busy playing a game I hate because of self-imposed peer pressure while arguing online, researching conspiracies, and posting multiple bad reviews on Metacritic and Amazon using several accounts because I need to offset all of those delusional fools who think that a game being “fun” is the same as it being “good”. I pity those fools. It seems like that’s some kind of reference I’m too young to appreciate.

Now I know that I can’t trust the objectivity of a person who seeks financial gain through sale of a product. As Kanye West (or somebody) said: “don’t believe the hype”. Even if a game’s marketing suggests that you are going to “become legend” by playing it, it doesn’t mean it will really improve your chances with girls (who STILL don’t respond to my way sensitive requests for nude pics because I’m not some big game journalist) or make strangers admire your accomplishments. That’s just crap they say to get your money.

What we need to do is stop listening to so-called “professionals” and pay more attention to anonymous message board postings and Metacritic attackers. Those guys know what’s what.

Yeah, Bungie, where is the heart? And the loot and RPGish elements that permeate the entire game? I rather have burned $60 too! I kind of do want to take a nun to a strip club, though…

See, these people get us. The DumperMcnipplez’s of the world with their cunning swine-related metaphors and people who have apparently been blocked because of their excessive honesty and now use screen names that invite attempts to block them again while they hide behind proxies. These are my heroes now. At least until I find out that 343 Industries sent Anita Sarkeesian to enslave random internet posters to sabotage their rival with bad reviews. My God. Nobody’s safe.